Be kind. {To yourself}

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Friday afternoon I had a few minutes in between commitments so I ran to Burlington coat factory to try on just a few things that my closet has been lacking.  Perhaps this shopping trip was one that the Lord planned specifically for my benefit because I had quite the epiphany while I was there.  In the fitting room no-less!

While I was trying on a few things, I heard a woman in the room next to me muttering to herself.  I will own up to the fact that I intentionally tried to hear what she was saying.  I have excellent hearing -- and I sometimes employ that skill to things such as eavesdropping. {I have no shame.} Anyway, this woman was muttering to herself some of the most hateful things. I was stunned by the strength of her language and the emotion behind her words. But most of all, I was stunned by the fact that she these hateful phrases were quite obviously directed toward herself.

Now I know that the fitting room often doesn’t bring out the best in people, but really? What good can possibly come of that negative and torturous self-talk?

Hearing that poor woman shred herself up was horrible to listen to, and now I really wish I had waited around the fitting room so I could pay her a compliment or maybe just give her a hug. (She probably would have been so creeped out…. Ummmm I heard you in the fitting room and I just wanted to say that you are beautiful!...... Beyond creepy, really.) But outside that, I felt so convicted. I have had those same thoughts about myself before. Her words have been my thoughts. 

And what good has ever come of those thoughts? Nothing.  Nothing at all!  In fact, that type of self-talk has been a strong and merciless enemy in my life. (Thankfully, I feel that I've been victorious in my battle against this enemy recently.  For the moment she’s splayed out face-down in the mud; and I’m pretty sure she’ll have a snazzy black eye for a while. Okay, that’s enough imagery.)

So here is what I’ve been thinking: BE KIND. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with tenderness and delicacy because you are beautiful. 

via

(Or handsome… if there are any men out there brave enough to read this estrogen-infused blog. You rock. :)

Imperfection

If I learned anything in college, I learned not to take information hook-line-and-sinker style.  I feel that the process of using discernment in my search for knowledge is a skill that my time in higher education fine-tuned. Although I’m sure this skill will continue to develop as I pursue knowledge throughout my life, I hope my studies thus far have helped me to grow in discernment and wisdom in the learning process.

With that said, I want to introduce to you a book that I’ve been reading.  It is called “The Gifts of Imperfection” written by Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University Of Houston Graduate College Of Social Work. (Click here to read her blog!) Though I am only about halfway through the book, I feel that Brown has already imparted many practical and actionable tips for living wholeheartedly.  It’s funny because as a Christian, I see how many of these tips are in-line with Christ-like living – but from what I can tell, the author does not hold the same faith as I do.  (Although, overall, I still recommend the book.)

Click here to find this on Amazon.com

If you remember, last month I wrote a series on recognizing intrinsic value. Though I only made it through 18 of the 31 days of writing, I still haven’t forgotten the topic: it is still one that is close to my heart and finds its way into my thoughts on a regular basis. In addition, I wrote yesterday about friendship, the connection I feel to a few close friends and the sense of security, and belonging that those relationships bring to my life. With those two topics in my most recent writing history, I was happy to find such wisdom in Brown’s way of approaching these topics.

Brown (who has researched this for at least a decade) writes a lot about shame and the intense vulnerability a “shame-storm” causes.  At first, I thought a shame storm included only that highly emotional state one experiences after a traumatic event. (Think, bombed presentation, an unnecessary fight, embarrassing moment, or basically anything else that causes feelings of mortification to arise.) But after reading further I discovered Brown's full definition of shame: "...the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." She advocates talking to the right person when experiencing a shame-storm.  Choosing the right person is the key. “We definitely want to avoid the following:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.  Then there is awkward silence.  Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there).  If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: ‘Oh, you poor thing.’ Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy: ‘Bless your heart.’

3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections.  You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: ‘How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?’ Or she looks for someone to blame: ‘Who was that guy? We’ll kick his ass.’

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: ‘You’re exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.’

6. The friend who confuses ‘connection’ with the opportunity to one-up you: ‘That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!’”

After giving these six funny, but true examples of a friend who is not helping ease the shame-storm, Brown continues with this:

            “Of course, we’re all capable of being ‘these friends’ – especially if someone tells us a story that gets right up in our own shame grill.  We’re human, imperfect, and vulnerable. It’s hard to practice compassion when we’re struggling with our own authenticity or when our own worthiness is off balance.”  (These quotes were taken from pages 10-11, and were not altered by me in anyway—unless there is a typo I don’t see.)

I have been pleasantly surprised that a book that offers advice for recognizing my own value can also provide actionable hints for becoming a truly compassionate and empathetic friend. I want to be fully known, and truly loved, but I also want those around me to have the same sense of security and belonging in my friendship.

So, I’d love to hear, have you read any enlightening books recently? Would you be interested in reading this one? 

she thinks, He thinks

Photo Credit: Felisha Cullum (my talented friend!)

life is worth little.

surrounded by many, seen by none.

travelling on a winding road, dense fog, unknown barriers rise to hinder.

companions, numerous at times, cannot walk the same path.

the way is solitary.

your life is valuable to me, I treasure you above all other creatures. {Matt. 6:26}

I see you, in all, for I created you. I know your heart, your desires, and your innermost thoughts. {Jer 17:10, Acts 15:8, Ps. 139}

trust in me, daughter. let me in. I will guide you through the fog, give sureness to your feet, carry you over barriers. {Pr.3:5-6, Ps. 119:105}

I am your constant companion.

you will never be alone. {Deut. 31:6}

Cheating with a quote for day 23

Judy Garland Quote (clipped to polyvore.com)

Have a wonderful fall weekend

I wanted to do this challenge perfectly... as in actually write every day. But I also think that cultivating friendships and strong community is something that makes life valuable! So this weekend, I probably won't be posting much: I'm in Oregon visiting Felisha (my best friend:) and her husband Stuart! We have all sorts of fun things planned. 

I'll be back next week! 

Let’s meet for coffee

A couple weeks ago the lead pastor for preaching at my church, named Tom Mercer, taught on the book of Jonah.  I’ve heard a few sermons on the book of Jonah -- in fact, an entire week was dedicated to the book when I attended PLNU. 

I am always amazed at the way the Lord can instruct me through a sermon.  I sometimes leave church feeling like the sermon was uniquely tailored to my life, only to realize that I took away something totally different from my brother, friend, parents, etc. I love it!

Anyway, one thing that really stood out to me about this sermon was the topic of envy. 

Prior to hearing this, if we had met for coffee, and you asked me what you could pray for me about {which so many of my close friends lovingly do} I would not have told you that I struggle with envy.  If pressed, I may have said “okay, okay, perhaps I can be a little bitter about the way my life is going…” but that’s about it.  

But this sermon jarred me into reality.

I am envious to the core.  Pastor Tom used the term “malignant” to qualify envy.  I remember thinking that Sunday morning while I listened to the sermon, “Ew, I’m adding the term malignant to the list of gross words along with the words ‘maggot’ and ‘moist.’” Maybe it has something to do with the letter “M?”

But envy is malignant. I can see this now.  Like cancer, it doesn’t usually stay put in a nice, extractable mass. It spreads and engulfs other areas of life too.

I have been envious of so many things recently.  I look at the lives of others and immediately feel that I fall short. I don’t have the perfect body… whatever that is. I don’t have a husband or a child. I don’t have money for cute clothes. I don’t have a job.

I wish life was as easy for me as it seems to be for her. I wish money wasn’t an issue for me because it doesn’t seem to be an issue for her. I wish I could eat anything and not pay the price for it like so and so!  I wish I could craft my words in the artful way that seems natural to that person! Blah, blah, blah.

Ultimately, dwelling on these things robs me of my joy. It causes me to see my life as less valuable than it is.  And what is the most upsetting to me right now is the fact that I have not conquered it.  This is not a self-actualized post.  I’m not writing about this in the past tense. This issue is in the present progressive tense for me. 

It is so shameful to admit but it is too true to ignore.

So if we could meet for coffee today. I’d ask for you to pray for me about my struggle with malignant envy. And I’d also ask you how you would like for me to pray for you… 

Today is Day 16 of the 31 Day writing challenge I introduced here!

Recap

Today is day 15 of my “31 days” of writing challenge.  Some days I get super stoked and impassioned about this topic and other days I just want to kiss this whole challenge thing goodbye!! {Seriously, at times I just want to write about something inane. Like make-up. And fall boots.}  But despite my ever changing feelings, I’m plugging along over here on Chapter Twenty.

Here’s a little recap of my posts so far:

Day 1: It all starts with a whisper

On Day 2 and Day 3 I wrote about being a people pleaser!

Days 4, 5, and 6 were about beauty.  {Don’t worry, I’m still going to write more on this topic! I just got a little annoyed with it for a sec…}  

Day 7 was about how you can never be more or less valuable than you already are in God’s sight.

A beautiful hymn was featured on Day 8.

Days 9 and 10 were about human dignity.

A song for Day 11: Josh Garrels, White Owl

Days 12, 13, and 14 capitalized on busyness. Does a busy lifestyle increase value? Um. No.

If you want to see the introductory post {because your haven’t gotten enough of seeing it at the end of every other post this month. . . } click HERE! :)

Thanks for following along with me as I blunder my way through this thing. I am truly enjoying the ride. See you on Day 16!

Value in Rest

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.

            -Psalm 127:2

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

            -Matthew 11:28-30

What's this all about? Click here to find out. 

I’m too busy to think of a good title.

I have to chuckle at myself sometimes.  When I have time to blog, my brain goes blank.  Yet, when I’m living a life worth blogging about, I can hardly sit down long enough to let my fingers rest on the keys.

This morning I woke up before dawn and drove toward the sunrise to pick up a sweet lady who needed a ride down to Los Angeles.  I’ve been taking many little jobs like this and I’m actually enjoying this type of busy-ness. It is different from my past forms of busy-ness. This particular job was fun because I had the whole trip home from LA alone to think.  

With this series on “value” {which seems to be flagging, I know!} I’ve been needling out the ways I have mistakenly derived value in my life. I talked about beauty in previous posts and I feel like I haven’t completed my thoughts on that yet.  So I’m leaving it open as fodder for future posts. {This 31 Day challenge isn’t methodically planned here on Chapter Twenty, if you haven’t noticed…} There is another way that I have wrongly tried to seek my value: busyness.   

Somehow, I got it into my head that a full schedule increases my importance.  I don’t know what the source of this idea was in my life, but it’s an idea that seems to have engulfed the entire American culture. {Can I get an ‘Amen!?'} If I could have a dime for every time I heard someone use the term “busy” to describe their life… I wouldn’t be a poor college grad, that’s for sure.

Seriously. We run ourselves ragged! What’s the deal!?

My value does not derive from my schedule. 

So if this is the case, why do I act like it does? 

choose rest

You were born to take the greatest flight

you will never be alone.

Read the lyrics here.

A balancing act

A balancing act: the tightrope between my expectation to be treated with respect and self-exaltation.  How can I live that balance well?  More fundamentally, how can my heart stay balanced in that as well?

At the same time, I certainly don’t want to fall into the pit that is insecurity.

What is the solution for avoiding pride, avoiding insecurity, but living a life that displays a thorough knowledge of my value and dignity?

Oh, the dilemma.

I discovered in college that these types of questions are so difficult for me.  I admired students who would raise their hands and answer with perfect clarity a difficult question posed by a professor.  In addition to admiration for their eloquence, however, I often disagreed with or only partially agreed with what the student said.  Life is SO not black and white in my mind.

When tossed a dilemma, my most common response is to chew and ponder and contemplate and mull over and every other synonym for think.  Often, even  this process doesn't land me on a solid answer. {annoying!}

Image Source

I think it will always be a balancing, juggling, circus act for me to live this out.  I know that sometimes I will fall off that tightrope onto the side of insecurity and an improper estimation of my value.  Other times, I’ll find myself equally off the tightrope on the side of pride and an overestimation of myself. The only practical thing I can do is recognize that the tightrope exists and continually evaluate which side is causing my instability. 

Click here to see what this is all about. 

To scratch the surface of dignity

Dignity is one of those words I did not learn from a dictionary definition.  Like many words in the English language, I discovered its meaning contextually at some point in my youth.  Recently, I played around with the word and its meaning in that little section of brain that is dedicated to writing.  Despite the volley of thoughts about dignity, I was not able to make the concept take root. 

I, therefore, went back to the basics and looked it up in a dictionary.  But I’m not going to regurgitate it for you here -- mostly because I’m still a little fearful of my tenth grade English teacher who made it clear that opening with a dictionary definition should be a crime worthy of a ten-year imprisonment.  {I’m slightly worried said teacher will somehow stumble upon this blog and mark it all up in . . . green: his grading color of choice.}

Anyway, here is my understanding of dignity:

 Innately deserving of appropriate respect.

I am deserving of respect because I exist. Because I am a human: made in the image of God!

You are deserving of respect because you exist! Because you are a human made in the image of God!

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” – Genesis 1:27

Individual human dignity is immeasurably valuable. 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:13-14

I’m going to attempt to unpack what I mean by “appropriate” in the next post. Which will be in just a few hours because this post is unfortunately tardy!

Click here to see what this is all about!

Just as I am {Sunday's make-up post}

A while back I wrote about the hymn "Just as I am" written by Charlotte Elliot in 1835. It is comforting to know that people throughout the ages have had struggles similar to mine.

Just as I am, without one plea, 

but that thy blood was shed for me,

and that thou bidst me come to thee,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not

to rid my soul of one dark blot,

to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about

with many a conflict, many a doubt,

fightings and fears within, without,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;

sight, riches, healing of the mind,

yea, all I need in thee to find,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,

wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;

because thy promise I believe,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thy love unknown,

hath broken every barrier down;

now, to be thine, yea thine alone,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

P.S. Click here to see what this is all about!

Dreaming of future value

Fill in the blank: when I  _____________ I will be more valuable.   

 Source

I think there is a common illusion {certainly one I’ve fallen prey to} that one can attain a higher standard of value by achieving some goal.  Because let’s face it, we all have issues! We know our own sin intimately and therefore see the ways we ought to change. 

 But here’s something heartening: you can never be more or less valuable to God than you already are.

Proof:

“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grave you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.” – Ephesians 2:4-9

P.S. Click here to see what this is about! 

My struggle with objective beauty.

Identifying objective beauty in myself is where I feel the least confident. This is the part where I have to admit that I haven’t been able to yank out all the deep-rooted, insecurity-producing lies that I have cultivated for so long.  This is something that is still a struggle for me. So instead of coming up with an all-inclusive list to describe what is beauty and what is not {as if I could ever do that!!} I am simply going to name one thing that I think is objectively beautiful.  This is a characteristic that I hope I have: perseverance.

The display of beauty in perseverance isn’t a serene, glowing look.  When I look into the face of perseverance, I see deep, cavernous folds in weathered skin: ragged, scarred and sweaty. When I look at the hands and feet of perseverance, I see blisters and calluses some new, many old.  When I look at the knees of perseverance, I see the dirt and misshapenness of frequent use.  The whole figure of perseverance isn’t upright at all: it is lying on its side, wrapped around the foot of the cross, every ounce of strength dedicated to holding on.  But the eyes of perseverance hold something remarkable: a spark of joy and a flood of focus.

This is beautiful. 

Source

P.S. Click here to see what this is all about. 

A breath of fresh air

Source

Anthony Dunn Photography

I committed to writing every day for 31 days.  When I signed up, I knew it would be challenging. I knew I would probably flounder a little bit. I knew there was a good chance I'd write something that made absolutely no sense to anyone.  But I did not expect to encounter so many attacks.  Not the human type, of course, but the spiritual type. In the last five days, I feel like I have been sifting through some pretty thick sludge in my heart. I've also been burdened with a lot of self-depreciating thoughts about my past. Some of the very reasons why I have chosen this topic have painfully resurfaced in my memory to make me feel ill qualified to write about this.  

This is precisely why I should keep writing. (right?)

Anyway, today I'm going to focus on objective beauty. But instead of writing a truly thought-out and self-actualized post, I am going to focus on objective beauty found in nature.  The understanding of this kind of beauty has been helpful to me in learning how to apply it to the realization of my worth.

Objective beauty is beauty that exists apart from any beholder.  It doesn’t need to be perceived or interpreted to be beautiful: it simply is beautiful.  The easiest way for me to see this is in the beauty of creation. A glimpse of a radiant star-lit sky, the powerful waves of a deep blue ocean, a field of vibrant wildflowers all exemplify this type of beauty. 

How does this translate to human characteristics? What is objectively beautiful in me that I can account for in my sense of value?  … These are the questions I am mulling over today.

Meanwhile, take a peek at these:

Against the vain judgments of men

….and the perilous plight of the people-pleaser. 

That’s what I am: a people pleaser. It is a trait that has placed its bulky self right in the middle of my path too often.  It is a characteristic, which is at once a blessing and a curse.  I cannot be alone in this—someone please tell me you know what this is like!

Here’s the thing, whenever I lose focus of the One who gave me life, I begin to find my value in others and their opinions of me.  And despite the copious amounts of love I receive from those around me it just doesn’t satisfy the need to be fully known and unconditionally loved. 

In the book by Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages” I identify myself as having a three-way tie in how I receive love from others: words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service. 

I can tell when I begin to look for my value in others because this three-way tie gets all out of whack! {Do you want to know how I figured this out? I’ll tell you: I discovered this because I recognized a pattern. And a pattern can only be recognized if there are multiple instances in question.}

The “out-of-whack” value seeking looks like this: I begin to latch onto the words of others. {Not just words of affirmation, but words. Anything that is or might be directed toward me is fair game for my hyper-analytical mind.}Somehow, the criticism I overheard about my personality consumes me.  The barb directed at introverts in general only applies to me. The word “good” instead of “great” in a compliment is noted.  And, oh boy, woe to the person who questions my intelligence… I have it out for you!

UGH! This repulsive nonsense has dwelt in me. I let it grow in me by neglecting my relationship with my Savior.  The judgments of others have at times, nearly undone any shred of self-worth I had.

To be continued in Day 3. :-)

“Therefore [Christ] committed all to God, who knew all, and he defended himself with patience and humility against unjust tongues, or against those who thought vanities and lies, and [spoke] boastfully whenever they desired.”

            -Thomas a Kempis “Against the Vain Judgments of Men” in “The Imitation of Christ”

P.S. What’s this all about? Click here to read my introductory post. 

It all starts with a whisper.

I suppose I haven’t been out of college long enough to fully do away with academic writing. Every previous attempt I made to introduce my 31-day writing stint sounded too much like a thesis statement.  And a dull one at that.

What an ominous beginning! To start out this composition journey on such a dry note—I can just see it now: I make it to day three, burn out, cry a little, and give up.  But then I got to thinking.  This topic is important! It is one that has accosted my spiritual life repeatedly and while I may not be the most eloquent or the most informed on the topic, I am equipped with experience. 

So let me start out by unpacking some of my experience. {Deep breath-I’m about to share a piece of myself.}

I have always {always, always, always} had a hard time believing the fact that I am intrinsically valuable. For this, there is not one person whom I can blame apart from myself.  This is not an issue that originates from deep childhood afflictions. It is not a result of inattentive parents (believe me! My parents showered me with love and attention of the best kind.).  This is my own sin. 

In high school I fell short of “valuable” because I didn’t have the right body type. Because I didn’t have a fun personality (wait, says who!?). Because I didn’t have guys falling all over themselves to date me (in retrospect, thank the LORD for that.). Because I was an introvert. Because I cared too much about what other people thought of me.  And the list goes on and on.  

In college, I fell short of valuable for all the same reasons and then some! But, of course, I mixed more intellectual rationalization into the thought process.

Lies.

These are all lies!

It is shameful to admit how thoroughly I have believed these lies. How much insecurity they bred in me.

I have, multiple times, spent a great deal of time sorting through myself looking for honest answers.  I want the truth! The best part is, that the Truth lives inside me and I’m listening for His whisper. 

P.S. What's all this about? Click here to see my introductory post. Click here to see who else is writing everyday for 31 days.