The trade off

(Beware, this post contains far too many comma splices and run on sentences. Also, most sentences will start with the word “but” or “and.” If these grammar issues are annoying to you, you’d probably benefit from just skipping to another post. :)

Sometimes I want to puke when I go on pinterest.  (Don’t misunderstand… I love pinterest and all the wonderful/creative/imaginative/you-get-the-picture things to be found there.)  But pinterest is a hub for all things perfect, especially when it comes to decorating and organizing one’s house: something that I have loved doing in the past and look forward to doing again!

Just recently, I’ve been rather cantankerous about my living situation which is magnified by the whole pinterest exposé of all things beautiful and organized. Because I moved back in with my parents after college, I am living, once again, in my bedroom from high school. This poor room contains its original contents, plus many miscellaneous dorm-room necessities, plus my whole kitchen and bedroom from the house I rented for the last two years of college.  It’s filled to the brim! (Proof: three, yes three bookshelves of varying heights, two nightstands, a desk, a random chair from my kitchen table, oh my!)

Tonight, however, I was reminded to rest in contentment. My mom and I both happened to be in the kitchen and we fell into conversation that lasted hours.  We didn’t solve all the problems in the world. Or even one problem. But we talked about life and the experience of living it. We talked about joys and disappointments, our strengths and weaknesses. It was so comfortable and normal.  So tonight I’m going to bed with this on my mind: what a cool experience this is to grow in relationship with my parents as an adult.  Maybe I don’t have the ability to decorate my own house and kitchen to perfection.  But I do have the ability to spend this time fortifying valuable relationships. 

A family photo from my college graduation. (Which is actually beginning to feel like a long time ago!) 

Let’s meet for coffee

A couple weeks ago the lead pastor for preaching at my church, named Tom Mercer, taught on the book of Jonah.  I’ve heard a few sermons on the book of Jonah -- in fact, an entire week was dedicated to the book when I attended PLNU. 

I am always amazed at the way the Lord can instruct me through a sermon.  I sometimes leave church feeling like the sermon was uniquely tailored to my life, only to realize that I took away something totally different from my brother, friend, parents, etc. I love it!

Anyway, one thing that really stood out to me about this sermon was the topic of envy. 

Prior to hearing this, if we had met for coffee, and you asked me what you could pray for me about {which so many of my close friends lovingly do} I would not have told you that I struggle with envy.  If pressed, I may have said “okay, okay, perhaps I can be a little bitter about the way my life is going…” but that’s about it.  

But this sermon jarred me into reality.

I am envious to the core.  Pastor Tom used the term “malignant” to qualify envy.  I remember thinking that Sunday morning while I listened to the sermon, “Ew, I’m adding the term malignant to the list of gross words along with the words ‘maggot’ and ‘moist.’” Maybe it has something to do with the letter “M?”

But envy is malignant. I can see this now.  Like cancer, it doesn’t usually stay put in a nice, extractable mass. It spreads and engulfs other areas of life too.

I have been envious of so many things recently.  I look at the lives of others and immediately feel that I fall short. I don’t have the perfect body… whatever that is. I don’t have a husband or a child. I don’t have money for cute clothes. I don’t have a job.

I wish life was as easy for me as it seems to be for her. I wish money wasn’t an issue for me because it doesn’t seem to be an issue for her. I wish I could eat anything and not pay the price for it like so and so!  I wish I could craft my words in the artful way that seems natural to that person! Blah, blah, blah.

Ultimately, dwelling on these things robs me of my joy. It causes me to see my life as less valuable than it is.  And what is the most upsetting to me right now is the fact that I have not conquered it.  This is not a self-actualized post.  I’m not writing about this in the past tense. This issue is in the present progressive tense for me. 

It is so shameful to admit but it is too true to ignore.

So if we could meet for coffee today. I’d ask for you to pray for me about my struggle with malignant envy. And I’d also ask you how you would like for me to pray for you… 

Today is Day 16 of the 31 Day writing challenge I introduced here!