All in good time – taking stock

In the 26 days between the New Year and my birthday, it seems worthwhile to take the time to take stock of what is in my most recent past and what I hope for the near future. The month of January is a double-restart for me in a way. A New Year - a new age, along with plenty of social encouragement to think a little deeper and close out the past with strength and clarity.

Thinking a little deeper:

I’ve been asking myself, when does life ever go according to plan? And if I’m really honest I might ask how boring life would be if it did go according to my plan. I just looked through my old entries and realized how many times I have ‘learned’ this lesson: the lesson on the Lord’s timing, the lesson on trust. TRUST that’s the heart of it, I think.

I can talk the talk. The ‘christianese’ flows fluently from my tongue… “It’s all in the Lord’s timing” and “His will be done” have both come from my lips over the course of this last year, but have they both come from my heart as well? That’s something I can’t answer swiftly. I have to swirl that one around in my mind for a bit… have I really trusted? The answer is a little more complex than a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ 

I think I can honestly say that at times I did trust. At times I felt that the Lord was my rock. He was the only real relationship in my life that wasn’t rushing past me in a hurry, that wasn’t leaving me behind, that wasn’t distant, and that wasn’t changing. His assurance was the only balm to a shaken sense of self-worth. His steadfastness was the only comfort when I realized I had gotten in too deep: that I needed help climbing out of the pit I had created for myself. 

But I can also say that at times I questioned Him. And I mean questioned. The type of questioning that probably resembled a fitful toddler. Angry and irrational and emotional all rolled together to make a truly pathetic picture. I questioned His timing for everything. I looked at the ceiling through thick, angry tears on more than one occasion and asked in the most vexed and confused voice: what are you doing!?

In this recent past, if I’ve learned one lesson, it’s this: that trusting the Lord will be a lifelong lesson. A lesson about a lesson. But it still counts.