"I dwell in possibility" ~Emily Dickinson

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Assurance for the Unsure

Posted on: 6.05.2012

I graduated from college two and a half weeks ago and I’m just now beginning to mentally process all that this entails.  I spent my senior year in such a fog of stress and intensity that I fiercely avoided the mental gymnastics of figuring out life after college.  I felt so pressured to make that ‘next step’ decision but I didn’t have the time, energy, ability to do it.  So my decision ended up being a non-decision . . . that makes very little sense but I’ll break it down: I chose to maintain the status-quo.  There were many reasons why making this decision seemed to be the right fit at the time.  First, it meant that I wouldn’t have to spend my summer packing and moving everything down the length of California.  Secondly, it allowed me to continue to build the community I have started to grow here in Chico.  Thirdly, I wanted to emphasize health in my life: the last years of college taxed me physically, mentally, and emotionally in ways from which I need to recover!

But, now that the big push of 21 units, two internships and a job are over, I’m feeling slightly dissatisfied with my choice.  I’ve been constantly questioning myself and God. . . Is this where I am supposed to be?  What would you have me do, Lord?  I was not built for stagnation. Even in times of peace, I want have the assurance that my life has direction.

I know that my life has direction in God’s sight.  He sees my path clearly, while I see a hazy, dense, fog.  I’m trying to lean into His assurance: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’”  {Jeremiah 29:11}


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