On courage and authenticity

So I’ve been thinking {That’s good right?} about what it means to live a courageous and authentic life.  This thought process has made me realize how often I am not courageous; and how my lack of courage actually causes me to be inauthentic. Sort of.

In fact, it might seem odd, but this little blog right here is the prime example of my lack of courage. I have been writing steadily for over four years (FOUR YEARS!?) on this thing and for the most part I have kept it pretty hush-hush. Like when people ask what my hobbies are, I say “You know, the usual, hanging out with friends, traveling, skiing, swimming, listening to music, reading and *covers mouth and coughs a little* writing.” Ahem what? Writing? No, I didn’t say that.

And then whenever the inevitable “blog” word comes up, I feel like I should justify it by saying “I know this sounds reeeeaaally nerdy: I write a blog.” Go crawl in the corner and be ashamed.

So that’s the back story about my cowardice. But the root of it is this: I have such a hard time letting people just think what they will! So I avoid “putting myself out there” and maybe looking a little strange. This is not the way to live with courage and authenticity.

The first step toward courage and authenticity for me is actually owning up to who I am to my entire social network. {If you want to know how freaked out I get about the social networking thing…click here!} One of my hobbies is writing. I love writing. And one facet of this hobby includes writing this blog.

Sometimes I even write about really scandalous stuff. Like my faith. {Oh my goodness, no she didn’t.} Yes. Yes, I do.

Sometimes I write when I want to punch someone in the face… with words, of course. (Probably shouldn’t have written that right after the faith point I just made…)

Sometimes I write with humor.

Sometimes I exude melancholy.

But for the most part, I’m really just me. An authentic, me.

So thanks for reading, friends! (Including those who found me through a social networking sphere.) I hope we can stay friends even when I’m being courageous and authentic.

Imperfection

If I learned anything in college, I learned not to take information hook-line-and-sinker style.  I feel that the process of using discernment in my search for knowledge is a skill that my time in higher education fine-tuned. Although I’m sure this skill will continue to develop as I pursue knowledge throughout my life, I hope my studies thus far have helped me to grow in discernment and wisdom in the learning process.

With that said, I want to introduce to you a book that I’ve been reading.  It is called “The Gifts of Imperfection” written by Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University Of Houston Graduate College Of Social Work. (Click here to read her blog!) Though I am only about halfway through the book, I feel that Brown has already imparted many practical and actionable tips for living wholeheartedly.  It’s funny because as a Christian, I see how many of these tips are in-line with Christ-like living – but from what I can tell, the author does not hold the same faith as I do.  (Although, overall, I still recommend the book.)

Click here to find this on Amazon.com

If you remember, last month I wrote a series on recognizing intrinsic value. Though I only made it through 18 of the 31 days of writing, I still haven’t forgotten the topic: it is still one that is close to my heart and finds its way into my thoughts on a regular basis. In addition, I wrote yesterday about friendship, the connection I feel to a few close friends and the sense of security, and belonging that those relationships bring to my life. With those two topics in my most recent writing history, I was happy to find such wisdom in Brown’s way of approaching these topics.

Brown (who has researched this for at least a decade) writes a lot about shame and the intense vulnerability a “shame-storm” causes.  At first, I thought a shame storm included only that highly emotional state one experiences after a traumatic event. (Think, bombed presentation, an unnecessary fight, embarrassing moment, or basically anything else that causes feelings of mortification to arise.) But after reading further I discovered Brown's full definition of shame: "...the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." She advocates talking to the right person when experiencing a shame-storm.  Choosing the right person is the key. “We definitely want to avoid the following:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.  Then there is awkward silence.  Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there).  If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: ‘Oh, you poor thing.’ Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy: ‘Bless your heart.’

3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections.  You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: ‘How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?’ Or she looks for someone to blame: ‘Who was that guy? We’ll kick his ass.’

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: ‘You’re exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.’

6. The friend who confuses ‘connection’ with the opportunity to one-up you: ‘That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!’”

After giving these six funny, but true examples of a friend who is not helping ease the shame-storm, Brown continues with this:

            “Of course, we’re all capable of being ‘these friends’ – especially if someone tells us a story that gets right up in our own shame grill.  We’re human, imperfect, and vulnerable. It’s hard to practice compassion when we’re struggling with our own authenticity or when our own worthiness is off balance.”  (These quotes were taken from pages 10-11, and were not altered by me in anyway—unless there is a typo I don’t see.)

I have been pleasantly surprised that a book that offers advice for recognizing my own value can also provide actionable hints for becoming a truly compassionate and empathetic friend. I want to be fully known, and truly loved, but I also want those around me to have the same sense of security and belonging in my friendship.

So, I’d love to hear, have you read any enlightening books recently? Would you be interested in reading this one? 

Recap

Today is day 15 of my “31 days” of writing challenge.  Some days I get super stoked and impassioned about this topic and other days I just want to kiss this whole challenge thing goodbye!! {Seriously, at times I just want to write about something inane. Like make-up. And fall boots.}  But despite my ever changing feelings, I’m plugging along over here on Chapter Twenty.

Here’s a little recap of my posts so far:

Day 1: It all starts with a whisper

On Day 2 and Day 3 I wrote about being a people pleaser!

Days 4, 5, and 6 were about beauty.  {Don’t worry, I’m still going to write more on this topic! I just got a little annoyed with it for a sec…}  

Day 7 was about how you can never be more or less valuable than you already are in God’s sight.

A beautiful hymn was featured on Day 8.

Days 9 and 10 were about human dignity.

A song for Day 11: Josh Garrels, White Owl

Days 12, 13, and 14 capitalized on busyness. Does a busy lifestyle increase value? Um. No.

If you want to see the introductory post {because your haven’t gotten enough of seeing it at the end of every other post this month. . . } click HERE! :)

Thanks for following along with me as I blunder my way through this thing. I am truly enjoying the ride. See you on Day 16!

A balancing act

A balancing act: the tightrope between my expectation to be treated with respect and self-exaltation.  How can I live that balance well?  More fundamentally, how can my heart stay balanced in that as well?

At the same time, I certainly don’t want to fall into the pit that is insecurity.

What is the solution for avoiding pride, avoiding insecurity, but living a life that displays a thorough knowledge of my value and dignity?

Oh, the dilemma.

I discovered in college that these types of questions are so difficult for me.  I admired students who would raise their hands and answer with perfect clarity a difficult question posed by a professor.  In addition to admiration for their eloquence, however, I often disagreed with or only partially agreed with what the student said.  Life is SO not black and white in my mind.

When tossed a dilemma, my most common response is to chew and ponder and contemplate and mull over and every other synonym for think.  Often, even  this process doesn't land me on a solid answer. {annoying!}

Image Source

I think it will always be a balancing, juggling, circus act for me to live this out.  I know that sometimes I will fall off that tightrope onto the side of insecurity and an improper estimation of my value.  Other times, I’ll find myself equally off the tightrope on the side of pride and an overestimation of myself. The only practical thing I can do is recognize that the tightrope exists and continually evaluate which side is causing my instability. 

Click here to see what this is all about. 

To scratch the surface of dignity

Dignity is one of those words I did not learn from a dictionary definition.  Like many words in the English language, I discovered its meaning contextually at some point in my youth.  Recently, I played around with the word and its meaning in that little section of brain that is dedicated to writing.  Despite the volley of thoughts about dignity, I was not able to make the concept take root. 

I, therefore, went back to the basics and looked it up in a dictionary.  But I’m not going to regurgitate it for you here -- mostly because I’m still a little fearful of my tenth grade English teacher who made it clear that opening with a dictionary definition should be a crime worthy of a ten-year imprisonment.  {I’m slightly worried said teacher will somehow stumble upon this blog and mark it all up in . . . green: his grading color of choice.}

Anyway, here is my understanding of dignity:

 Innately deserving of appropriate respect.

I am deserving of respect because I exist. Because I am a human: made in the image of God!

You are deserving of respect because you exist! Because you are a human made in the image of God!

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” – Genesis 1:27

Individual human dignity is immeasurably valuable. 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:13-14

I’m going to attempt to unpack what I mean by “appropriate” in the next post. Which will be in just a few hours because this post is unfortunately tardy!

Click here to see what this is all about!