An Exposition

Two days of strong wind have assailed the desert. Not that we’re not used to it, but it doesn’t mean we I like it. Smoke, sand, and clouds mix together to birth an unforgettable hazy stench that inflicts an instant replay of all the fires in seasons past. Southern California burns often. It’s burning now. 

It’s smokey, sandy, storming days like these that are great enablers of melancholy -- and sometimes worse. It’s hard not to fall from the mental precipice into doubt and sadness, confusion and withdrawal that suddenly appears as clearly as if it were physically before me. I think it’s days like this, though, that simply expose that precipice. If I’m honest with myself I’ve stood looking down it for a long time. Never quite jumping headlong into it, but never mustering up the will to leave it behind. I’m just here, close to the edge because it’s what i know. It’s where life has been for years.

I think the last five years have been the hardest of my admittedly short life. (I mean, I’m only 23! It’s not like I have a lot of years to think back on, here.) But when I do think back on them, I find pockets of real darkness. Sometimes I didn’t even know how deep I had gotten until I was nearly out of the pit, loosening the last few treacherous arms off my ankles. And I can’t believe that it was really me back there, sifting through struggles as thick as today’s smoke-infused air. 

And then the second nemesis joins my thought life: shame. Shame on me for having dark days; for “letting” myself even get in that pit. Shame speaks: don’t you see how perfect your life is? How functional your family is? How much worse so-and-so has it? How dare you consider that place dark. How dare you admit that you sometimes feel desperately alone when so many wonderful people are around you. You ungrateful girl. 

And so shame seals lips and keeps the heart from speaking out. It keeps tear ducts dry and rationalization on turbo-power. It keeps the lonely alone for fear of being exposed, for fear of being set-down or declared invalid. 

Life’s struggles need an exposition though. It’s part of the human experience, isn’t it? Maybe I struggle with X, Y, and Z and you struggle with T,U,and V. But that those differences don’t really matter in the heart of the experience. At the heart of the experience we’re all in a temporary season that sometimes feels permanent. 

Today (or more accurately, this month), with these thoughts so acutely, painfully acutely, in my mind, I consider what it means to live a life in which I joyfully hold Christ as my treasure and live eucharisteo.

I’m looking back on that most recent pit. I don’t want to go back there. 

The trade off

(Beware, this post contains far too many comma splices and run on sentences. Also, most sentences will start with the word “but” or “and.” If these grammar issues are annoying to you, you’d probably benefit from just skipping to another post. :)

Sometimes I want to puke when I go on pinterest.  (Don’t misunderstand… I love pinterest and all the wonderful/creative/imaginative/you-get-the-picture things to be found there.)  But pinterest is a hub for all things perfect, especially when it comes to decorating and organizing one’s house: something that I have loved doing in the past and look forward to doing again!

Just recently, I’ve been rather cantankerous about my living situation which is magnified by the whole pinterest exposé of all things beautiful and organized. Because I moved back in with my parents after college, I am living, once again, in my bedroom from high school. This poor room contains its original contents, plus many miscellaneous dorm-room necessities, plus my whole kitchen and bedroom from the house I rented for the last two years of college.  It’s filled to the brim! (Proof: three, yes three bookshelves of varying heights, two nightstands, a desk, a random chair from my kitchen table, oh my!)

Tonight, however, I was reminded to rest in contentment. My mom and I both happened to be in the kitchen and we fell into conversation that lasted hours.  We didn’t solve all the problems in the world. Or even one problem. But we talked about life and the experience of living it. We talked about joys and disappointments, our strengths and weaknesses. It was so comfortable and normal.  So tonight I’m going to bed with this on my mind: what a cool experience this is to grow in relationship with my parents as an adult.  Maybe I don’t have the ability to decorate my own house and kitchen to perfection.  But I do have the ability to spend this time fortifying valuable relationships. 

A family photo from my college graduation. (Which is actually beginning to feel like a long time ago!) 

The thing about blogging

At times, blogging has felt like just another way to mask reality; to be inauthentic about some of the gritty parts of daily life.  I’ll admit, this is probably the thing I’ve wrestled with the most about writing a blog.  The little mental dilemma hasn’t really deterred me from writing: just click on the “archive” link and you’ll see that I’m telling the truth!

 I was mulling over my thoughts on this again as I struggled to get out of bed this morning (it’s Monday, what else is new?).  I thought about my desire to write and the pleasure it brings me to share some of what I write in the form of a blog.  I must have felt particularly optimistic this morning because I began to feel such a peace regarding my qualms about being inauthentic. A blog captures only about ten percent of real life, but that ten percent focuses chiefly on the silver lining, the joy, and the gift that is life. Perhaps it isn’t inauthentic at all!

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”~Philippians 4:8

When life feels like a test. And you’re definitely failing.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”  ~Ephesians 2:8-9

CT

I don't have anything important or profound to say about the unthinkable tragedy in Connecticut on Friday. That afternoon I just stood, staring at the news broadcast with unrestrained tears pouring down my face. The families in that community have been heavily on my heart this weekend. 

P.S. I have been out of town for a week, and will continue to be away from my computer, etc. until next week. I just wanted to check in for a quick "hello!"

Imperfection

If I learned anything in college, I learned not to take information hook-line-and-sinker style.  I feel that the process of using discernment in my search for knowledge is a skill that my time in higher education fine-tuned. Although I’m sure this skill will continue to develop as I pursue knowledge throughout my life, I hope my studies thus far have helped me to grow in discernment and wisdom in the learning process.

With that said, I want to introduce to you a book that I’ve been reading.  It is called “The Gifts of Imperfection” written by Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University Of Houston Graduate College Of Social Work. (Click here to read her blog!) Though I am only about halfway through the book, I feel that Brown has already imparted many practical and actionable tips for living wholeheartedly.  It’s funny because as a Christian, I see how many of these tips are in-line with Christ-like living – but from what I can tell, the author does not hold the same faith as I do.  (Although, overall, I still recommend the book.)

Click here to find this on Amazon.com

If you remember, last month I wrote a series on recognizing intrinsic value. Though I only made it through 18 of the 31 days of writing, I still haven’t forgotten the topic: it is still one that is close to my heart and finds its way into my thoughts on a regular basis. In addition, I wrote yesterday about friendship, the connection I feel to a few close friends and the sense of security, and belonging that those relationships bring to my life. With those two topics in my most recent writing history, I was happy to find such wisdom in Brown’s way of approaching these topics.

Brown (who has researched this for at least a decade) writes a lot about shame and the intense vulnerability a “shame-storm” causes.  At first, I thought a shame storm included only that highly emotional state one experiences after a traumatic event. (Think, bombed presentation, an unnecessary fight, embarrassing moment, or basically anything else that causes feelings of mortification to arise.) But after reading further I discovered Brown's full definition of shame: "...the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." She advocates talking to the right person when experiencing a shame-storm.  Choosing the right person is the key. “We definitely want to avoid the following:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.  Then there is awkward silence.  Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there).  If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: ‘Oh, you poor thing.’ Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy: ‘Bless your heart.’

3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections.  You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: ‘How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?’ Or she looks for someone to blame: ‘Who was that guy? We’ll kick his ass.’

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: ‘You’re exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.’

6. The friend who confuses ‘connection’ with the opportunity to one-up you: ‘That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!’”

After giving these six funny, but true examples of a friend who is not helping ease the shame-storm, Brown continues with this:

            “Of course, we’re all capable of being ‘these friends’ – especially if someone tells us a story that gets right up in our own shame grill.  We’re human, imperfect, and vulnerable. It’s hard to practice compassion when we’re struggling with our own authenticity or when our own worthiness is off balance.”  (These quotes were taken from pages 10-11, and were not altered by me in anyway—unless there is a typo I don’t see.)

I have been pleasantly surprised that a book that offers advice for recognizing my own value can also provide actionable hints for becoming a truly compassionate and empathetic friend. I want to be fully known, and truly loved, but I also want those around me to have the same sense of security and belonging in my friendship.

So, I’d love to hear, have you read any enlightening books recently? Would you be interested in reading this one? 

Five Minute Friday: Stay

I’m joining the Five Minute Friday crew today. Click here to see the rules!

Prompt: Stay

I have to say my natural inclination is to run. Not to physically run (as in to exercise...I wish!) but to figuratively run. I want to run from challenges, friendships, frustrations, etc. In fact, the current season of life is pushing this desire to its maximum. I want to leave this place that I’ve called home all my life. (Even though I’ve lived elsewhere, this has always been my home-base.) I want to run from some of the challenges that are present in my life right now.

Despite the urge to flee from trouble, I know that challenges and obstacles will find me wherever I go. And when it comes down to it, I would rather face those things knowing I’ve done as God led. Right now, He is leading me to stay.

Steeped

Have you ever let a cup of tea steep for too long? I have. The result is bitter, foul tasting, and altogether unpleasant. I have been thinking recently that life’s difficulties are so numerous that life becomes saturated with them. This season has been yet another time of learning how to take my anxious, sorrow filled heart to the only One who can soothe the ache. From the personal, internal struggles to the many heavy problems my extended family is facing I am learning a new type of surrender. And I find that through this time I have not only been steeping in heartache, but also in peace and joy. I hope the result of my experience is not bitter, foul tasting, and altogether unpleasant but rather, sweet, humble, and ultimately joyful.
How fitting that this is one of my favorite verses:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.


James 1:2-6